I get distracted pretty eas
You Might Also Like
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Talk about a bad egg
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Good morning.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
the dark web is just a goth google.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Doctors texting each other.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???