I get distracted pretty eas
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STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
When you’re Kinky but poor
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.