Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

lol

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.