I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I wanna be friends with this person
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
A great tip. #CakeRex
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”