I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
ah yes….my favourite videogame
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?