I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Nomnomnomnom
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
thinking about a very short hotdog
