I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Not with that attitude
