I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?