I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
mom had nothing to worry about
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.