My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*