I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I’m pulled over.

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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂


Today Donald Trump renewed his talk about surveillance on Mosques, gun control and adding alligators to FBI No Fly lists.


If bugs tell each other scary stories, the one who landed in the wax of my candle just became a marshmallow pumpkin scented, urban legend.


Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face


oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out


I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel


If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.


My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.


My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.