@Jeffro_

I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I’m pulled over.

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@Spilling_The_T

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

@realHamOnWry

Today Donald Trump renewed his talk about surveillance on Mosques, gun control and adding alligators to FBI No Fly lists.

@RachelNoise

If bugs tell each other scary stories, the one who landed in the wax of my candle just became a marshmallow pumpkin scented, urban legend.

@Huntermoore

Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face

@MacMcCannTX

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

@LostCatDog

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

@McFluffy537

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

@ficklenuts

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

@RunOldMan

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.