Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not