her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!