Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers