I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
You Might Also Like
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
May have had one breakfast too many
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL