I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
You Might Also Like
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
More like Kate Missington.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.