Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies