Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

🤣

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure