Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Imma just leave this here…………

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.