Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.