@houffy

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

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@Scdavis24

Sometimes I think I’m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.

@GuyBreakup

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

@saucy_peaches

Had a talk with 12.

M: Do you know what a period is?
12: Yes, mom, it’s the dot at the end of the sentence.
M: …
12: …
M: Good talk

@shawn_spree

A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.

@GoldenSpirals

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..

@DennisLWeaver

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

@TayTayJustine

Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.

It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!