Sometimes I think I’m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Had a talk with 12.
M: Do you know what a period is?
12: Yes, mom, it’s the dot at the end of the sentence.
M: Good talk
A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.
It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!