*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.