Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Storm Tropical Storm

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch