[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Mapping America’s Far Right
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
We have a winner.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged