inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’m not wrong
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.