[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Maths meets science
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
True
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too