[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me