i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.