i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
no one likes gloating
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
The Friday File.
