i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*