i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it