@3sunzzz

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

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@KeepCaIm

Keep calm and text a random number…”I’m pregnant”

@DominicStraw

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

@Discourt

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

@scarebro

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

@MissAnneBlondie

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

@chopper4jk

My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…

@stayathomies

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

@ohpeetie

Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.

@KKAlThani

Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.