I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]



[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”


Wife: No one’s ever gunna buy your hip hop cooking album. Get a job! *sweeps my papers off the kitchen counter *


Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.


When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies


Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.


The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.


If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants


‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher