Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

#ProTip

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.