I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
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Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it