I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.