I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
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“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.