I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
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The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Thursday Thought.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
smh
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.