Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.