i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
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cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?