I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later: