Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Phones down.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

The Onion called it…again.

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*