I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
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I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
New skill unlocked
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”