I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
You Might Also Like
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?