I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
This will never not be funny to me.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*