Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes