I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.