I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
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All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people