I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
You Might Also Like
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.