Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.