I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
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*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare![]()
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.