I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Weighing up my bread heating options
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did