I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
A family that plays together cheats.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?