Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Going to pronounce fecal like decal