I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
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Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I need to update my racial profile.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
we’re gonna need another temp
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed