I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”