I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
bugs when you lift up a rock
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.