I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I hate everything
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*limbos away from your hug*
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.