Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

never stops being funny

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.