Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

based al yankovic

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.