Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me