Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Fries, not lies.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

🤣🤣