I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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December birthdays be like…
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My dad is at it again
