I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Not today. 😅
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.