Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.