I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my