I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
sometimes we need to be reminded
