I get it laundry no one is doing me either
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Feel. He’s so soft.
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him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.