Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

This January has 47 Mondays

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking