I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
You Might Also Like
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
They’re called werewolves.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind