I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
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Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Need WebMD
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
You know…for fall…
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes