Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Driving in Europe vs Canada

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.