Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

This pepper has seen some shit

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.